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Braving Motherhood w/my 4 YO son Aiden and 3 YO daughter Keeley

The subtle Kink in the hose of society


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February 4th, 2010

Government assistance: Something to be ashamed for using but in order to qualify you have to be so desperate that it's necessary immediately and then they make you wait at least a month to get it! WTF?! I need assistance on our heat and electric bill and they won't help until I get a shut off notice but half the time when I've talked to these programs they are out of money... so i have to wait until I have no other options and hope that THAW doesn't happen to be out of funds at that time! AAHHHHHGGGG!!!

I'm so fucking tired of living this way. I need out of this situation and I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel at all. I want to go to school and become a programmer but school takes time and its not a magic wand that makes you get a job it just gives you better chances than having no idea what you are doing. People with 2 degrees still can take a whole year to find a job and what am I supposed to do in that situation? And I'm having trouble finding enough money in the budget just to pay the application fee for school. We have a credit score of 400 so I won't be getting any loans for sure... I have to rely on grants and financial aid i dont have to pay back.

I'm stressed to the max and I just can't take it anymore.... It's affecting the kids and I just don't know what do anymore... I guess all I can do is focus on getting my license, hope the van gets fixed, and maybe i can get the kids in daycare and get a job. Unless its an awesome job we should be able to get daycare assistance.

October 22nd, 2009

My microwave may be dead...

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What else can go wrong to cost me more money?!

October 15th, 2009

What am I to do when I can't seem to make a constant effort and tom's effort stays at the same level. In all honesty he does clean... but not like he should be considering he's home all the time. He expected 300 times more from me. The tub needs to be scrubbed, the bathroom floor needs to be cleaned, the front room needs to be picked and vacuumed and everything needs to be organized but the kitchen. The kitchen is pretty consistently clean at least when anything gets cleaned that always does. But the front room is rarely vacuumed and never really thoroughly done because there is always something cluttering the stuff that needs to be moved and vacuumed behind. i feel like I live in a pigsty and it's not all his fault but I just can;t seem to motivate myself when I realize how much crap really needs to be done and even making a dent seems to take forever... getting any appreciation for it never seems to happen at all.

But right now I need to stop venting and just go clean because I know I have ants in the carpet in one area and plenty to pickup and I just can't stand it anymore. I am going to get things as clean as possible tonight even if it means that's all I can get done.

October 14th, 2009

What could be worse than sitting just across the room from someone in your own apartment and not feeling like you are allowed to share a passing joke or something you read on the internet? Ok yes there are many things that could be a lot worse... but it's a horrible feeling.

We didn't have a fight... but he's sitting at his computer playing a video game with his headphones on and my little jokes or comments are nothing but an interruption and an annoyance to him because he has to move his headphones off his ears.

I have a couple links to some business opportunities that I would like to be looking into right now but they are on his computer and he can't take a second to email them to me...

What am I? I am Jack's cold sense of rejection...

He's always busy with something and when it doesn't involve sex... it doesn't involve me.

Why don't I want to have sex with you, honey? Hmm... yeah let's think about this for a second and not ask the stupidest question in the world!

October 9th, 2009

We bought a car Monday October 5th, 2009. It's a black supercharged 1998 Boneville. Needed a decent amount of work. Needed breaks and a new hub before they could even drive it to Rob's and they were able to do that work at the owner's house instead of towing it because it was my SIL's fiancee that sold it to us. It also needed a sway bar line(not sure if that's right?), heater core, new windshield, new side view mirrors, new tires, and a new a/c system... and that's just the stuff I remember. But it's a running car with a decent amount of room and the body only has two small rust spots on it. Tom and his brother already got it up and running well enough for Tom to get to his job interview today.


Speaking of his interview... He got an interview with peterson springs or something like that for an IT coordinator job that he knows he could do but he didn't actually meet the qualifications and he knew that when he applied. They called him in for an interview anyways! He even discussed it with the woman who setup the interview and she said to come in anyways. They want a bachelor's degree and experience in that position and he doesn't have either of those. So hopefully he'll get it for the sheer fact that anyone with a degree and experience in that is going to be asking for more than 45 to 50 grand a year and we already know that's all they are offering.

Keeley went pee on her potty today again... it's not consistent but heck she's not even 2 and she is cruising along with her interest in using the potty. Plus I'm working all the time still so this is without much encouragement or coaxing from me because when I am home I generally don't have the energy to work with her much. She keeps asking to use the toilet but I can't let her have free access to the bathroom so I told her that the toilet is a privilege for little girls who are fully potty trained on the potty first. She said "okay" and immediately sat down on her potty when I told her that. So maybe that motivation will work for her because she really likes sitting on the toilet lol.

Aiden has not had any setbacks in potty training lately... I just need to get him to start wiping himself after he uses the potty... right now he just kinda smears poop around when he tries to wipe himself so I'm always asking if he went poop or not so I can make sure I clean him up. I don't know if tom has been doing the same or not...

The days are just flying by and any day now Keeley will be 2 and Aiden will be 3. I am only working until october 30th then I am going to be helping pack and prepare the apartment and house for the move. We have to move into the house in taylor at least one week early so there will be enough time for us to clean the walls and carpets and floors and just in general make sure we get our deposit back. We need to plaster a couple spots like behind the couch and on aiden's wall where he "hurt the wall" with "the hammerrrr" and despite what tom thinks I think we are going to have to repaint at least in the living room and Aiden's room.

As for Aiden and Keeley's birthday we are doing a get together to save money and just planning on a real party with guests and everything in january once we are all settled in and the big holidays are over with. Basically it'll be a late birthday/housewarming party. Hopefully by then the kids will have some new friends in the neighborhood to invite. In fact while I'm thinking of it I might as well look up playgroups in that area....

I still don't have my license but once the windshield and everything gets fixed on our "new" car I'm going to practice parallel parking, read the new driver's book to make sure I don't unknowingly do something illegal during the test, then as soon as we have the money I'll get my permit and set up the test. God I get a little nervous just thinking about taking the test... I just definitely won't go back to the same place because the woman that failed me the only time I took the test was staring coldly at me like she had no soul and was trying to take mine! *shudders* ehhuheuh...(onomatopoeia is not my specialty but that's the best i got for the sound you make when someone creeps you out and you shake it off lol)

The kids' get together is on October 24th, 2009 at 3pm at our apartment and chances are I'll be working that morning! ugh*rolls eyes* but my mom and sister are planning to come help tom get everything ready that needs to be...I haven't decided what we are going to be eating though...

pizza is expensive and they no longer deliver to our complex because at least one delivery guy got robbed and they decided they weren't going to put their drivers in danger even though it happened at another complex too so it wasn't an isolated incident... but they probably stopped delivering to there too. And yes word must travel fast because all the pizza places stopped delivering here almost immediately!

I could make subs but i want to have a nice casual get together at our apartment and not be slaving over the stove.

I think I might just have my mom bring a card table to set up with lettuce, tomato, mayo, turkey, ham, peanut butter, jelly, butter, salami, and bread so everyone can just make their own sandwiches. That way it could be setup the whole time and people can eat whenever they get hungry. I think that'll be our best bet.

My sister and mom are making two cakes for the get together. One is going to be rocket from the little einstein's based on the design in the picture at the top of this page www.andreasrecipes.com/2006/11/11/little-einsteins-rocket-birthday-cake/ but my sister really wants to make Leo, June, Quincy, and Annie out of fondant... I suggested marzipan but my mom said fondant is supposed to be easier... whatever I'm done arguing about it they have to deal with it not me. The other cake is going to be lightening mcqueen from cars which will be much easier seeing as they are going to use a wilton 3d cake pan from amazon and the dye kit for the icing. These cakes are my sister's gift to the kids... they were so excited when they saw the pictures of ideas for the cakes that they started freaking out and begging for lightening mcqueen and rocket cake! Just imagine when they get to see it right in front of them in person!

Oh I almost forgot the kids both learned to do somersaults on October 6th, 2009 when Aiden accidentally fell over while standing and putting his head on the ground so I taught him that that was called a somersault. Keeley then stood with her head on the floor so I taught her to push off with her feet and here's the video of what she got out of me saying push up with your feet.

September 16th, 2009

It's been a while...

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So much has been going on and I never renewed my lj subscription so I really died out on writing in my journal. But I really need to write in it to help me remember how I have been feeling and remember little events that my horrible memory would lose track of very quickly otherwise.

It's impossible to sit down and type a long entry or even a short entry catching up this journal at this point. I will do my best though.

First things first, what is going on right now?

A lot of things have been going on... my marriage has been really shitty and in general I've been stressed out to the max. I got a job at American Greetings in the mall last time I posted an entry and I really do like it a lot... but a job is a job and does not come without stress. Especially when you haven't worked outside the home in 3 years and you miss your kids and it was supposed to be part time but starts out at 28-38 hours and keeps going at 38 hours. The least amount of hours I ever got was 22 and it was only one week.  It's been hell on my body and mind standing for that long and just in general not being used to a working schedule let alone an unpredictable working schedule where I could work 10 hours one day and 4 hours the next and close one night then have to come in and open the store in the morning. I need to go to bed at a decent time and get up at a decent time on a regular basis... as much as I like sleeping in if I go to bed on time it won't be necessary. I have had chest pains that stop me in my tracks and a toothache that acts up when I eat sugary things or drink something cold... so all the time pretty much! Well it's mainly the really bad pain just when I bite into something sweet and it hits that tooth just right... I am headed toward having the same critical spinal problems as my mom because of the stupid futon we are sleeping on... that will be changed when we move again but for now I just have to deal.

We are moving to Taylor December first, 2009. Near the kroger on Ecorse and Monroe, the house is on ziegler. It's nice because we will have a decent sized backyard with a little shed. The house is itty bitty but we can make it work for the 6 months or so we are supposed to be living there.

Chances are Tom will be joining the Army and he'll be doing PT for 3 months before he goes to boot camp, then he'll be in boot camp and MOS training for about 3 months before he gets assigned to a base... hopefully in south carolina. That is happening if he doesn't find a job before we move.

My sister is in florida and has been now for a couple months... right around the time I started working I think. She is coming to visit for a week soon then going to new york to visit our cousin timmy who I have yet to see since 10th grade... I'm not going to get to see him but I'm at peace with that now because I've decided if he's not willing to go out of his way to come see me or even call me why should i even try to go through the huge ordeal of going to see him just to be glared at by his wife... oh yeah and BTW he's not really our cousin he is our mom's best friend's son and they have just been friends with my mom so long they became like family... and my sister and I always had a crush on him when we were younger so... yeah it's weird but his jealous wife has never liked me... of course it made a lot more sense when I talked to him on the phone for 5 hours in 2006 and found out he had wanted to date me but didn't know I returned the feelings and he was afraid of losing my parents respect because I'm 6 years younger than him. So chances are that had been mentioned to her long before I found out. Oh yeah and I don't know if my sister is going to go back to florida after that or what but i'm pretty sure she isn't coming back to michigan until end of october.

My husband got in a car accident with my poor purple plymouth breeze and it's totaled. He got scratched up and was sore for a while but he's okay. Our friend Chuck has been taking me to work all the time anyways but now we don't have a car. The volvo isn't running and we don't know why. Still trying to figure that out.

I was going to quit working by the end of september but now I'm working til October 30th because we are staying at the apartment longer than I thought and Tom has agreed to cooperate and help with potty training keeley. The big bummer is that I probably won't get a chance to make git hoodies as costumes for all four of us let alone just myself but I'll be making money toward a car and filing bankruptcy and just a general cushion.

September 6th, 2009

I was a stay at home mother to my 2 toddlers until 2 months ago when I broke down and took a minimum wage job at a greeting card store.

Just over six months ago my husband was laid off permanently from the IT company he had worked for just over a year. It was very sudden, nobody saw it coming including my husband's boss! When he came home early as soon as he walked in the door I knew what had happened...

You see, this was not the first time he had been suddenly fired due to downsizing. In fact it has become all too familiar! We have been married 3 and a half years and once a year he has lost a job to downsizing with no warning. That's 3 jobs in 3 years!

When he lost the first job he had another job lined up right away. The second job was harder to deal with losing and we went 3 months with no unemployment or anything except for family help and food assistance(which does not cover diapers or formula BTW)while my daughter was still a newborn. Our car got repossessed and we got evicted from our apartment... we were fortunate enough to have family who could lend us the money to move to a cheaper apartment near a promising job opportunity(which happens to be the job he just lost). Then he got the IT job because his brother worked there and got him an interview. Before we had struggled even when he was working so when he got his IT job(a salary job) we finally had a stable paycheck. The loss of this stability that I had finally grown accustomed to just weeks before he was let go... well let's just say I wasn't calm when he came home early telling me he lost his job.

We have now been on unemployment and food assistance for over 6 months. We had been driving an 89 volvo until it slowly started having more and more problems with it. We found a car for $500 that ran well and needed minor fixes and got 38 MPG so we jumped on the opportunity. It did have problems that came up but overall nothing that made it not worth the money we paid. I finally had a car I felt safe putting my kids in!

So what's the problem? Well 3 days ago my husband made a quick trip to the store and while exiting the parking lot to come back home, a teenager driving with a cast hit him. He totaled both his car and ours... and my husband got the ticket! Nobody was seriously injured but my husband is still pretty sore and a little scraped up too.

We haven't got a safe car to drive and my friend has actually had to drive me to work everyday since the accident. If he wasn't unemployed I wouldn't be able to get to work at all. I still have not managed to get my license even though I am 23. I tried to take the test once but failed because of the parallel parking part. Before and after that time we have not had the time to allow me to practice parking, the car to allow me to take the test(volvo won't cut it), or the money to pay for the test.

I'm at a loss for things to do right now. One thing after another has made things increasingly depressing and it really hard to stay in high spirits when you can't even take your kids to visit their grandparents 45 minutes away let alone go to the grocery store without asking someone else to take us. PLEASE HELP US!

Here is a link to the 300 word one where you can vote for me to help toward me getting a free car.

July 1st, 2009

I got a job!!!!

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Woohoo!!! I got a job as an entry level manager at American Greetings in Great Lakes Crossing mall. It only pays $8 per hour and it's 15-20 hours per week minimum and I'll get 40 hours per week whenever the manager or assistant manager takes a vacation which the manager told me today that they both have a couple weeks vacation scheduled each that is coming up. YAY!!! Now I have to go shoe shopping for a pair of dress shoes that aren't open toed... hopefully some comfortable heels because when the district manager comes we have to wear heels and I only have uncomfortable open toed heels. I'm just so excited to have a job again and have it not be food service... but the fact that I am starting as a manager in training is excellent too because it gives me better potential for a higher paying job from them or any company hiring a manager in the future.

June 12th, 2009


Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called honah lee,
Little jackie paper loved that rascal puff,
And brought him strings and sealing wax and other fancy stuff. oh

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called honah lee,
Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called honah lee.

Together they would travel on a boat with billowed sail
Jackie kept a lookout perched on puffs gigantic tail,
Noble kings and princes would bow wheneer they came,
Pirate ships would lower their flag when puff roared out his name. oh!

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called honah lee,
Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called honah lee.

A dragon lives forever but not so little boys
Painted wings and giant rings make way for other toys.
One grey night it happened, jackie paper came no more
And puff that mighty dragon, he ceased his fearless roar.

His head was bent in sorrow, green scales fell like rain,
Puff no longer went to play along the cherry lane.
Without his life-long friend, puff could not be brave,
So puff that mighty dragon sadly slipped into his cave. oh!

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called honah lee,
Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called honah lee.

May 12th, 2009

Ok I don't really want a divorce. Right now divorce would mean that I gave up on our marriage and I'm not quite ready to do that. But I feel like he has given up on caring about my feelings until they are already hurt. He seems careless about what he says and makes me feel paranoid everytime i bring up a concern like wanting to take the kids to the doctor or not wanting to use the cry it out method or worrying about starting aiden in preschool in September because of the swine flu going around. It's like he always has to be right. The main reason this is such a problem now is because until now I was still developing my own ideas and feeling my way through parenting... now it seems like since I'm developing my strong ideas and not getting any real positive feedback from him I'm starting to realize he's not always as flexible and knowledgeable as he thinks he is. He a;so likes to bring up fun little ideas and present them as if he really wants to make them happen but then gets upset when I start trying to make those ideas happen. Even if I wanted to leave him I couldn't... I'm screwed!! My mom said it just wouldn't work... we couldn't all live together again. So if I left him I'd have no place to go. And i keep going through cycles of wanting to leave but then talking myself down and thinking about the consequences and telling myself we just need to work on it. I feel like I'm becoming my mom. I don't want that to happen. I can;t stand the way my mom acts with my dad and the fact that they barely see each other and they practically live separate lives just living in the same house and sleeping in same bed out of convenience. I may be in an emotionally abusive relationship again... nothing like when i was with dave but still emotionally abusive. I don't know though because being in the relationship could be keeping me blind but I may be looking for flaws because I'm unhappy. And I can't have anyone judge from my journal or conversations on the phone with me because that's biased in my favor of course. And I don't think my neighbor and his friend(Caleb and Chuck) would be the best judge either because they'd probably be afraid to be honest if the weren't biased in either mine or tom's favor. ARG!!!! Tom actually said I should get a sugardaddy and was serious. He said he's okay with it if I get a sugar daddy as long as he buys me a house! LOl
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